Deepest Gratitude to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva.
Deepest Gratitude to all Buddhas, Bodhisattvas and Dharma Protectors.
Deepest Gratitude to Master Jun Hong Lu.
Good afternoon to all Buddhist friends.
I’m very grateful to be given this opportunity to share with you my testimony.
First and foremost, I’d like to confess my sheer ignorance that was already apparent since a tender age. Personality-wise, not only am I extremely selfish, I am resentful. For as long as I can remember, I have a ‘knack’ to berate others, regardless of their age groups. To win an argument, I would spare no vicious and curt words to hurl at others.
Born into poverty, my life was nothing but tumultuous, having to shoulder the strenuous hard labour farming work. Because of this, my physique and stamina stood head and shoulders above that of my peers, giving me the advantage to easily overcome boys and girls of my age group during fights.
In those days, village life was arduous with mounting life pressure. To keep the family going, my parents could only bury themselves in the back-breaking farming work. They completely had no time to manage and guide me during those formative years. As such, I was left in the lurch to figure the dos and don’ts of life.
I may appear sturdy on the outside, but I am soft on the inside. Adding insult to injury, my father was indulged in an extramarital affair. His lover was very open about it and would often display her affection towards him in public. She even had the audacity to admonish my poor mother over trivial matters, predominantly arising from inconsequential words uttered by me or my sisters. Helpless, my mother had no choice but to swallow the insult and humiliation silently.
Emboldened by these ‘injustices’, I frequently stepped forward and engaged in a heated argument with my father. In front of others, I projected an image of invincibility, a sharp contrast to my inner self that was engulfed by a sense of vulnerability and pessimism.
Shortly after I got married, my negative karmic affinities with my ex-husband and mother-in-law crystallised. Soon after, family squabbles became part and parcel of my family life. With a strong sense of self infallibility and ‘deceived’ by my own set of self-belief, I would often criticise my ex-husband and mother-in-law. Very often, my child would tell me that my mother-in-law would recoil in fear whenever I raised my voice at home.
I’d like to herewith repent, as a disciple of Master Lu. Despite several years of Buddhism practice, I’ve yet to demonstrate the qualities of a Buddhist practitioner. Instead of articulating words of kindness and compassion, my speech injects fear into the elderly. For this, I sincerely repent and am resolved to mend my ways.
At the back of my mind, I had always thought that I was a kind person, one who deserved to be blessed and showered in good fortunes. My wishful thinking was proven dead wrong – my prayers were hardly answered even after ramping up efforts to perform more meritorious deeds, I failed to achieve any progress in my career and family life. Unable to show any positive outcomes post-Buddhism practice, my close relatives and friends were hardly convinced by me.
It only started to dawn on me recently about the underlying problem that had gone undetected for so long. All that it took was a recent home incident to awaken me. After lashing out at my mother-in-law and blaming her for my child’s poor school performance, my child reminded me, “Mom, don’t you think your outburst of anger will cause an outflow of your meritorious blessings?”
I was startled at the sudden realisation that the merits accumulated from recent fish liberation that saw me fork out a handsome sum of money, drive a long distance to the city outskirts, and laboriously carry bags full of large fish had been squandered away in just one episodic emotional outburst! I was devastated.
After poring over the issue, I came to a realisation that hard-earned merits built up all these years have largely evaporated in thin air due to my negative karma of speech. Whatever that was left was merely enough to ensure the safety of my family; hardly sufficient to help me make inroads in my career and destiny – the necessary tool to gain the confidence and faith of my close relatives and friends in my Buddhism practice.
Master Lu once said, “Speak less and chant more. The monks have the word “Amitabha” close to their heart as a way for them to avoid uttering the wrong words and committing negative karma of speech.”
I understand that I should learn to restrain my speech, but it remains a challenge for me to put it into practice. Sadly, I still find it difficult to remain calm in those crisis moments. For that, I sincerely repent.
Of late, an immense sense of heartbreak washed over me every time I recalled the amount of merits that I have squandered away. I am now slowly learning to keep a lid on my mouth.
Prior to my birth, my mother was subject to incessant humiliations and was an object of scorn. During pregnancy, it was already obvious that her next offspring was going to be a girl. Having exceeded the stipulated limit on the number of children per family, and to circumvent being imposed a fine for breach of birth-control policy, my mother had to make the tough choice of consuming labour-inducing pills so that she could give birth to me prematurely.
To put it bluntly, I was nothing but a burden to my family. I am deeply grateful to my parents for not aborting me during pregnancy. Neither did they give me away to childless families. Instead, they chose to nurture me regardless what life threw at them. The only time that my father hit me was when I refused to attend school. Because of that, I am an educated person and henceforth, I have the karmic affinity to encounter and learn Buddhism.
I now realise how hefty my karmic obstacles are. My facial features are not proportionate, with scars on my forehead and at the corners of my mouth. On top of this, I face multiple impediments in my career. Unable to keep a lid on my mouth, my life has been difficult and bitter.
The best thing that has happened is none other than my encounter with Buddhism. Bodhisattva has clearly blessed me, allowing me to learn Buddhism from Master Lu and perform the Three Golden Buddhist Practices.
I am now able to communicate with my mother-in-law calmly as I learn to look at things from her perspective. I put a stop to my bad habit of being curt to her and ceased to treat her as an avenue of frustrations. Don’t we all reap what we sow? It has now become crystal clear that I am repaying the karmic retributions from negative karma seeded in my past lives.
From today onwards, I will engrave in my heart this advice from Master Lu, “Speak less is a must; not uttering a word at all is the best. Speech is a Buddhist precept that is the easiest to neglect and has the highest likelihood to be violated”
I hope that the merits generated from my testimony will help eliminate some of my past karma of speech, bless me so that I can remain steadfast in my Buddhism practice and be better able to guard my speech and last but not least, help me get rid of my negative speech karma.
If my sharing is improper in any way, I would like to seek forgiveness from the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, all Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, Dharma Protectors and Master Jun Hong Lu.
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