- Have you ever wondered why your relationship is not smooth sailing?
- Are you bored and tired of such a lifestyle?
- Is disharmony and intolerance between husband and wife, leading to constant quarrels?
- Are your spouse’s frequent late nights causing you to be suspicious of him/her having extra marital affair?
- Why is it that my spouse cannot understand me when all I need is emotional support?
- Losing faith in marriage and relationship and thinking of divorce?
- Why is he/she remaining indifference despite my wholehearted devotion to him/her?
- Spousal frequent ‘cold wars’ leading to disinterest in further communication with each other?
When you are mistreated by others, do not take it to heart, you should dismiss the ill feelings from your mind. With a mind filled only with goodness, even when heated argument does occasionally erupt, you will not be resentful. Instead, your thoughts will evolve around the adorable traits of your spouse, the true love he/she had for you and the many sacrifices he/she made for you. These thoughts will give rise to positive energy inside you which will be a deterrent to the thoughts of divorce, resentment or calling it quits in your relationship.
— “A Meditative Mind – fluid, yet still”
From the Buddhism perspective, Master Lu advises us to be tolerant in order to maintain harmonious relationship in a family. Below are his tips on how to avoid breakdown in marriage:
- Avoid criticising your spouse’s parents or anyone that he/she looks up to, as this is something that will hurt his/her feelings the most.
- As the old saying goes, “it takes more than one cold day for the river to freeze three feet deep”. Hence never go on a “cold war” or withdraw from one another after an argument.
- Avoid discussing your own family matters with common friends, as your spouse will eventually get to know about it and your relationship will turn even colder.
— “Cherishing Predestined Relationship, Exercise Discipline”
To be reborn as a female is not only pitiful from physiological aspects but because despite being married, they would still need to work, take care of the children, manage household chores, etc. As a husband, did you provide her with an exquisite life in return? Regrettably it is the contrary; you berate and abuse her. Her life resembles that of a slave who selflessly gives all that she has to you and she is fully devoted to you even though you have nothing to offer her in return. Even if you spend your money to hire a maid, do you think she is capable of doing all these? On that note, the reason for Guan Yin Bodhisattva to manifest himself into a woman’s body to save sentient beings is to evoke the spirit of compassion within us. Therefore, be kind to women.
— World Buddhist Fellowship Meeting, Hong Kong, 1 May 2012
As for men, they are pathetic too and why do I say that? Men do not cry easily as they feel that crying is a sign of weakness. However, he is under tremendous pressure both at home and outside, with nowhere to express his feelings. As such, he will occasionally lose his temper or feel miserable. Unfortunately, a wife who fails to empathise with her husband will continue to nag him. As a result, the husband will start to feel tense and become uptight. It is worth noting that, when a man represses his emotion for a long period of time, it will shorten his lifespan. Well, this is evident from the fact that there are more elderly ladies than elderly men on the street. Hence, women should learn to cherish men too.
— “Wisdom is when you thoroughly understand (Part II)”
DO YOU KNOW THE THREE STAGES OF MARRIAGE LIFE?
There are actually three stages of relationship between a couple. The first stage is to fall in love and after some time comes the quarrel, the third stage depends on your ability. Whoever knows this, will be able to maintain their family harmony, and those who do not will face family breakup. As mentioned just now, first is love, second is quarrel, the third is the word “endurance”.
There is a little joke which is a real case in life. In 2001, a wife filed a divorce case in court, she brought along a parrot to the court and gave the reason that because the parrot in her house kept repeating these words “Divorce…Divorce, Patient…Patient , More patient…”. As the wife kept hearing the parrot repeating these words, she raised suspicion on her husband while talking to his girl friend over the phone, “I will surely divorce, you must be patient”. She thus suspected her husband have an affair and even brought a parrot to the court. Let’s put aside if she has mental disorder or not, and I did not mention about her behaviour as she wanted to file the divorce, but the court rejected the case. Upon returning home, she continued to quarrel with her husband and after some time, the husband really found someone outside and indeed divorced her. This is what we called ignorance.
Hence, if we look at people on the bright side, there will be positive energy. If look at people on the bad side you will have negative energy generated within your heart. As Buddhist practitioners, we must possess positive energy. We must look at things on the bright side, because we have a wonderful tomorrow and tomorrow is controlled by us as we are guided by the Buddha.
THE CONCEPTION OF LOVE AND HATE
Any form of love or hatred in this mortal world is accumulated from countless lifetimes. If you are deeply in love with someone today, it is because of the love you had for this person in your past lives and the same goes for the hatred you have towards another person. This is an irresolvable problem.
For example, you have carried over 20% of the hatred for another person from your past life, which resembles a detonating fuse, if you do not understand the principles behind and start lighting up the fuse everywhere you go, the degree of hatred between you and that person will increase to 60% – 80% in your next life.
This explains the conception of hatred and gives justification to the phenomena of “madly in love” and “burning with irredeemable hatred” (爱得就死去活来，恨得就咬牙切齿). It is like a drama, with all of you being the puppets, being controlled by an invisible rope fastened on you. This rope is your fate and destiny, leading you through life by your nose. You are a puppet living in this world, being led by the nose by others.
All the karmic debts that you are repaying now are grievances of past lives, which include the karmic debts to your children, spouse and parents. They constitute a circle of repayment of which the dues may not be completely settled even until the day you die. What’s more? You also need to make repayment for karmic debts incurred in this life, in your following life.
— “Seize the awakening moment and find the true essence of life”
Master Jun Hong Lu’s Advice to a Lady in Resolving Her Marital Problems
Testimony by a Dharma Practitioner
My husband and I started our livelihood from scratch in the city and eventually bought a house and a car. We established our careers and lived blissfully with an adorable child. I never would have thought that my husband would forsake his pledge of undying love. He is just like all other men who favour city beauties and keeps a mistress. It was during those extremely desolate days that I was fortunate to encounter Buddhism. From then on, I started to re-examine myself and my life had a new starting point once more.
— Qing Lian, Nanjing
Buddhist Friends-Wang not only regain her health through recitation of Buddhist Scriptures but also salvage her marriage through reciting Jie Jie Zhou (Mantra to Untie Karmic Knots).